THE FUTURE EX MRS. CHRISTMO

Yeah, there were signs. Sure, there were clues. OK. OK. The red flags were flying. I have no excuse. I was blinded by love. There was the time Yummy threatened to shoot Duke's dog Luther for not flushing a pheasant. Only Luther's sad smile saved his ass. Then there was the day at the lake she got pissed at me for something and stormed off for the bus. Problem was she took a boat. I have no idea where she thought she was gonna catch that bus. Even the family was beginning to notice that maybe the girl had some issues. Despite all this, wedding plans were made and as the day approached everything seemed to fall into place.
My first marraige to Luscious was in a Justice of the Peace's basement. I never went in for the fairy tale nuptuils, but Yummy deserved better than a bar for a backdrop with a plaque informing the gathered "Don't throw your butts in the toilet and I won't piss in your ashtray." We looked for a church but couldn't find one we liked. (We hadn't bought our's yet.) We settled on the top of the hill behind Bird and Itchy's, right under my tree stand. Duke's wife Heidi climbed up in the stand with her guitar and provided the music. From that day forward that stand became known as Heidi's stand, taking it's place beside Smokey's stand, the woodroad stand and the hemorroid stand.
I hired Hoss, Bimmy, Alien Bond and a few others as the wedding band, asked a Presbyterian minister to say a few words and got Mike Wild to butcher and slow cook a pig all day on giant homemade boiler/barbecue. It should have been written up in Hillbilly Bride Magazine. It was by far my best wedding to date. The family, the LES hipsters, inlaws and outlaws all showed up. If you look at the pictures in the wedding album you can tell everyone is having a blast. Everyone, that is, but Yummy. She looked incredibly beautiful, radiant even. Keiko Bonk brought flower lais all the way from Hawaii. And we both wore them. I had a shit eating grin on my face in every shot. But Yummy stared at the camera like the proverbial deer in the headlights. The poor thing just couldn't relax.
Around midnight the party moved to Wolf Lake and in a repeat performance of my wedding night 20 years previous, i partied with my friends as my new wife went off to bed- righteously pissed off. Chuck, Nona, Gary Okie, the band and i don't know who else stayed up all night, drinking, smoking and toasting the happy ....(well, half of the happy couple). I swear to God if i ever take the plunge again I promise.....