DON'T BE LIKE CHRISTMO

For our first date I took Dr. Stripper up to Wolf lake for an over night. After DS passed out on the breakfast table, as I, Bird, Itchy, #1 and #2 looked on in horror, the girls asked what was wrong with that lady? I heard Itchy tell her two young daughters "Don't follow your uncle's example in relationships. I don't know what's wrong with the lady. Your uncle doesn't even know her. Why don't you girls go down to the dock. We'll go swimming later." The two stared wide eyed at the passed out, green bellied, pale, pierced woman, shrugged their shoulders and went down to the lake. Turned out it was just a little hypoglycemia.
After a couple of months of sleep overs, she moved into my apartment. This wasn't the smartest play on my part. I really DIDN'T know this woman, but this hadn't stopped me from setting out the welcome mat in the past. First, it was the phone thing. Every NA and AA sucker who was about to fall off the wagon had my number (or rather DS's number) now. "It's for you." was scratched on my forehead. Then there were little things like she didn't share. If she cooked a meal, she only cooked for herself. I'd go in the kitchen, poke around on the stove and she'd cover her food with an arm and growl like a hungry dog. Back off MF. In the larger world we were at war in the Persion Gulf, people still wore 8-Ball jackets and sneakers that blew up with a squeeze to the tongue, and SCUD STUD became part of the lexicon. Gas was $1.50 per gallon and I drove a Chevy Malibu with a big 350 V8 named Ralph. We had agreed to be monogomous. I, at least, was keeping my part of the bargain.
By Valentine's Day of 1992 things were starting to unravel. The 18 year age difference was becoming a problem. i just wanted to chill at night, watch a little cable, get some take out, have sex and go to sleep. DS, on the other hand, wanted to see every band that played CBs, go to obscure indie films, check out the flavor of the month in the art world, and then go to another meeting. "Be home late." Kiss. Kiss. If I did see her, it was only the back of her head, sitting at the computer, working on another paper for grad. school. Forget the cut out red constuction paper heart and doily. Sex? "Sorry honey, I had a little while i was out."
Eventually we decided she should move out. We "loved" each other. There was no reason we couldn't still be a monogomous couple, right? She took over Chuck and Nona's apartment on Clinton St., when they moved uptown to E3&D. I'd had my suspicions that she wasn't telling me everything, and when she moved those suspicions intensified. I even brought up the subject once, but she poo-pooed me and then we had sex. I guess i was wrong. Funny how the little brain works. Then one day i dropped by unannounced at her place. She buzzed me in with a "Hi Baby. Come on up!" I didn't remember saying it was me. She answered the door all done up and juicy. Hellooooooo?