TRUE STORY
My old man goes by Christmo also. It's like if Cher went by Bono. Or Bono went by whatever his last name is. The eldest son always sports the singular last name. My mother's name is Star. Here's their phone message, delivered in my father's deep baritone: "HI, THIS IS CHRISTMO. STAR AND I CAN'T GET TO THE PHONE. BUT IF YOU LEAVE A MESSAGE WE'LL GET BACK TO YOU. YOU HAVE A NICE DAY." BEEP! My little brother Duke is a pro at using the phone message as a venue for self expression. He lives in the backwoods of Maine, has no electricity, computer, nor TV. The phone recorder is his instrument of entertainment. I called the other day and got his lastest. In a perfect fake baritone he delivered a note for note mimic of the old man's message complete with very sincere- "YOU HAVE A NICE DAY.'
This morning he called to check up before i hit the road. He asked if I liked the message? I told him to hang up and call me back and I'd let my machine pick up. Inspired by his mimicry I'd done the same. 'HI, THIS IS CHRISTMO. PARIS AND NICOLE AND I CAN'T GET TO THE PHONE. BUT IF YOU LEAVE....' He approved of my rendition. I knew he didn't have a computer so i gave him the catchup on the blog. What with Ophrah's recent declaration concerning truth, I told him how I was trying not to be caught in any lies. He'd never heard the story about Friendly informing me from the tattooist's chair what she was about to get carved in her little tree. "Did she get it?" he asked. I said no. But then I thought back. My eyes had gotten progressively worse in those years. Up close things were always really blurry. Hmmmm? Maybe she had gotten the mark of the beast and I just couldn't see it. Who wears reading glasses down there? So to be completely honest I can't say whether or not Friendly has that 666 tattooed or not. I'd have to check and I don't think I'll be invited down there any time soon.
When I heard Duke's message I immediately called my mother and told her to dial Duke up. Five minutes later she called me back. In a perfect deadpan she said "What's funny about that?" YOU HAVE A NICE DAY NOW.
This morning he called to check up before i hit the road. He asked if I liked the message? I told him to hang up and call me back and I'd let my machine pick up. Inspired by his mimicry I'd done the same. 'HI, THIS IS CHRISTMO. PARIS AND NICOLE AND I CAN'T GET TO THE PHONE. BUT IF YOU LEAVE....' He approved of my rendition. I knew he didn't have a computer so i gave him the catchup on the blog. What with Ophrah's recent declaration concerning truth, I told him how I was trying not to be caught in any lies. He'd never heard the story about Friendly informing me from the tattooist's chair what she was about to get carved in her little tree. "Did she get it?" he asked. I said no. But then I thought back. My eyes had gotten progressively worse in those years. Up close things were always really blurry. Hmmmm? Maybe she had gotten the mark of the beast and I just couldn't see it. Who wears reading glasses down there? So to be completely honest I can't say whether or not Friendly has that 666 tattooed or not. I'd have to check and I don't think I'll be invited down there any time soon.
When I heard Duke's message I immediately called my mother and told her to dial Duke up. Five minutes later she called me back. In a perfect deadpan she said "What's funny about that?" YOU HAVE A NICE DAY NOW.
posted by mike osterhout at 10:08 AM
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