HORSEYMAN 2006
Before I get back to Friendly, let me digress a bit. It's the present- 3pm Jan. 3, 2006. There's a snowstorm dumping the white stuff and I'm hot to lay more crap out just for you. It feels good. Recently I've become obsessed with internet dating sites. It used to be just the usuual ones- salon- match- adultfriendfinder- and kinky adultfriendfinder, but now I'm branching out. I've hit the net. in search of Russianladies, eurobrides...you get the picture. My brand new Visa card is already screaming in pain. Hours pass. My neck aches as I cruise the world of lonely hearts. It's part harmless time killer and part sincere search for that special someone who will fix me a nice dinner, feed the cats and greet me with a blow job and coffee in the morning. There's thousands of them and I've barely scratched the surface.
On New Years eve I was invited to another party in Brooklyn. Two parties with a couple of weeks! Once again I made the trip. I'm trying to get out more. My hosts were a young couple- an ex-student of mine and his girlfriend. By midnight the place was hopping with a nice mix of hipsters, journalists and sophisticates. I'd brought a case of Bud and was methodically working my way through it when a couple of dark haired beauties caught my eye. One was tall and looked like a cross between Claudia Cardinelli and Maggie Gylenhal. The other was shorter but no less beautiful. Both eye balled me suspiciously as i blabbed on about this and that. I could read their minds: crazy old fuck. I didn't give a shit anymore and continued. Hell, all I wanted was a little twentysomething estrogen hit. In my defense I really didn't come on that strong. Always the gentleman, I.
The year turned over with Carson Daly looking scarily like Dick Clark. Champagne toasts. More Bud. People danced. I wobbled. A pipe got passed to me by a weasely little guy in big glasses, a bob hairdo and a skinny tie. "Stoned yet?" he asked poking the pipe towards me. "Not yet." I sneered and took it again. He was a friend of the girls. By about 3am I'd had enough, so crawled off to a mat and pillow and tried to crash. Skinny tie and the girls were just across the way. Forget the fly on the wall. Better to be a drunk on the mat. I couldn't sleep, so just lay there ease dropping on their conversation.
All I wanted was a familiar hand to reach down, stroke my cheek and whisper in my ear-"Come on darlin', lets get out of here and go home." If I'd been a little drunker I'd been crying my eyes out. The conversation turned to internet dating. My ears pricked up. Skinny tie said he had a friend who had 7 dates in as many days and had gotten laid five times. "She didn't really like any of them. But she had a lot of sex." he exclaimed. Maggie Cardinelli moaned about just wanting a good man who wouldn't fuck around on her and the other one mumbled something about horses. Horses? I opened one eye. An old friend was snoring loudly alongside me. If I had drifted off I'm sure I'd be snoring AND farting just as loud. Nothing's pretty in sleep anymore. "I had some time to kill the other day so I went on equestriancupid.com." she said. The other two were dumbfounded. Me too. "I posted my picture and told them how much I loved to ride. Why not?"
The three of them shared their last cigarette and eventually someone called a car service and they were gone. By daylight the snoring had stopped. I woke up long enough to down a couple of aspirin and found myself alone in the room. I couldn't wait to get home and find a picture of a horse. But that's another story.
On New Years eve I was invited to another party in Brooklyn. Two parties with a couple of weeks! Once again I made the trip. I'm trying to get out more. My hosts were a young couple- an ex-student of mine and his girlfriend. By midnight the place was hopping with a nice mix of hipsters, journalists and sophisticates. I'd brought a case of Bud and was methodically working my way through it when a couple of dark haired beauties caught my eye. One was tall and looked like a cross between Claudia Cardinelli and Maggie Gylenhal. The other was shorter but no less beautiful. Both eye balled me suspiciously as i blabbed on about this and that. I could read their minds: crazy old fuck. I didn't give a shit anymore and continued. Hell, all I wanted was a little twentysomething estrogen hit. In my defense I really didn't come on that strong. Always the gentleman, I.
The year turned over with Carson Daly looking scarily like Dick Clark. Champagne toasts. More Bud. People danced. I wobbled. A pipe got passed to me by a weasely little guy in big glasses, a bob hairdo and a skinny tie. "Stoned yet?" he asked poking the pipe towards me. "Not yet." I sneered and took it again. He was a friend of the girls. By about 3am I'd had enough, so crawled off to a mat and pillow and tried to crash. Skinny tie and the girls were just across the way. Forget the fly on the wall. Better to be a drunk on the mat. I couldn't sleep, so just lay there ease dropping on their conversation.
All I wanted was a familiar hand to reach down, stroke my cheek and whisper in my ear-"Come on darlin', lets get out of here and go home." If I'd been a little drunker I'd been crying my eyes out. The conversation turned to internet dating. My ears pricked up. Skinny tie said he had a friend who had 7 dates in as many days and had gotten laid five times. "She didn't really like any of them. But she had a lot of sex." he exclaimed. Maggie Cardinelli moaned about just wanting a good man who wouldn't fuck around on her and the other one mumbled something about horses. Horses? I opened one eye. An old friend was snoring loudly alongside me. If I had drifted off I'm sure I'd be snoring AND farting just as loud. Nothing's pretty in sleep anymore. "I had some time to kill the other day so I went on equestriancupid.com." she said. The other two were dumbfounded. Me too. "I posted my picture and told them how much I loved to ride. Why not?"
The three of them shared their last cigarette and eventually someone called a car service and they were gone. By daylight the snoring had stopped. I woke up long enough to down a couple of aspirin and found myself alone in the room. I couldn't wait to get home and find a picture of a horse. But that's another story.
posted by mike osterhout at 3:48 PM
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